Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Tell him to GO TO H*LL!!  What are you wasting your time with this
    loser for?
    
    Katrina

Because you need a contradiction to your rambling I'll be point blank...

Why are you hanging on?  Is it revenge for the abrupt ending months ago?
Who are you really hurting by hanging on?  What is it you are trying to
satisfy by hanging on?

How do you like being a yo-yo?  Think about it...you do whatever the
yo-yo operator, him, directs you to do...

Get clarity on yourself in the situation,
Dan

    re. .1 and .2
    
    do both, the order may not matter, but I'd go for .1 first in order to
    concentrate on .2 without being interrupted by any more phony phone calls

    
    Yea, What Dan said.
    
    LOSE HIM.  this is a waste of time.  No other way to look at it.
    Are you "in love" with this guy?
    
    Katrina

    Run, don't walk away from this bullsh*t artist.  He's probably married.
     You are setting yourself up for heartache and a major fall.
    
    Tammi
    

 There is little doubt that this guys has problems, probably those that are
of his own making. Don't be a sucker. Don't play his game. Don't be his toy,
which it appears, is all he thinks of you. He is a user. Lose him. Make HIM
feel the loss of something good. Don't allow yourself to be fooled.

 I feel very sorry that 1) some people will do this to other people and 2) some
people are so blinded by infatuation as to not see a con job like this.

 The Doctah

    I posted a note a while back for situations like this.
    
    Rather than repeat what I flogged in that entire topic, read 796. 
    
    Kris

        
    To the author,
        
    I agree with the previous replies - get away from such a relationship.
    It may be easier said than done; but once you've taken that first
    step, the next will be easier.  This man has problems - it is not
    your responsibility to fix them.  
        
    You ask why has this person lied and acted this way?  Some questions
    just can't be answered and at times, we have to walk away without
    completely understanding what happened.  You may just want to leave
    the relationship.  Or you may feel the need to let this person know
    just how you feel - but if you do, let it be known that you do not
    want reconciliation.  
        
    You must look out for yourself - no one else will do it for you.
    In your note, you mention you moved on and were having a great time...
    you enjoy the single life (after the first time he left)!  It will
    happen again - trust your instinct!  Lean on your friends.                                   
                                         
    Best wishes to you!                  
                                         
    Kris                                 
                                         
    

Re: .0


I think you must have been seeing the same person I was seeing for three 
months or so. 

It was perfect. He would call, even when he was out of town. He knew 
EXACTLY what to say and when. He made me feel special, told me I was 
special, and that he was proud of everything that I had accomplished, that 
I was a winner, that he liked having me in his life, etc.

Working for DEC requires him to go on business trips a lot, but even then he 
always called. He was dating other women and I knew that, but he always 
managed to make sure I got a phone call.  Made sure he saw me at least once 
a week. 

Then things started happening that didn't jell.  Yes, he too had family 
problems and other problems. I tried to be as supportive as possible. I 
tried to just be there, to talk with, to be supportive, whatever I could 
do. BUT...

But one weekend in July, he told me he was one place, while I was at his 
house right afterwards, there in the garbage in his bathroom were tickets
from the place, but too many tickets for just him...  it wasn't that I was 
looking, I happened to throw something away and they were right on top.
OK, I said, I wasn't even supposed to see them, so I won't question it, but 
my head did. Then he was to be away for a weekend, well...  I called him at 
his hotel that Friday night... he had checked out that Friday morning... 
This time I decided to ask all the *right* questions, but he had an answer 
for all of them. I thought perhaps this could be a one shot deal, but 
several weeks later, it happened again, only this time, he said he was to 
be somewhere for DEC for 4 days, and I found out later, this thing was 
only for three days.  No big deal, but now, I was hurt.

If he didn't want to see me that was one thing, and I could deal with it, 
but to lie to me was another. I knew he was seeing other people. So, why 
not just tell me the truth.  I was exactly where your note was at, except 
that I had only invested three months, not a year. I finally sent him mail, 
which brought an immediate response of again *all the right answers*...
We went out once more, and went "for drinks" afterwards to talk.  Know 
what? As we were talking, it dawned on me, no matter how much I was falling 
in love with this man, he would always have all the *right* answers. I couldn't 
stop the tears, but I said good-bye. And I walked out of his life. I was 
sad, and even called a couple of days later to make sure he was doing okay,
but...

... and I ask you the same questions I asked myself:  Do you want to go through 
life not totally trusting the man you are seeing?  Do you want to 
constantly look over your shoulder and wonder what he is doing now and how 
he is covering it up to you? Do you want your self esteem to start to 
deteriorate, as it will, wondering what it is that you are doing wrong?

I personally say, don't confront him on it. He'll have *all* the right 
answers for you. And he'll probably try to make you feel like you are on 
top of the world with all those answers, and doubt yourself. I can attest 
to all those feelings, because they will be there. It'll be worth it, yes, to 
be back to where you are comfortable, after that talk, but then the next time 
will come again, and you'll be right back where you are now, and the next time 
will be there... it'll just be a matter of time.

I personally would rather have no one in my life, then one that I just 
can't trust, especially very early in a relationship.  

No one can tell you what to do, you need to follow your head AND your 
heart.  However, if you decide to stay with him, I wish you all the luck in 
the world, your heart will need it.

Gale

    
    
    
    
Dear Confused,
    
    Irrespective of your true feelings for this wimp, (yes, I am conscious
    of using this word rather than 'man') my approach to this problem 
    (and it would seem you have a major crisis in your life) would be
    one of being 
    
            'BLAND'   'DISINTERESTED'   'NON-AGGRESSIVE'
            
             DON'T CARE A HOOT      LOVING LIFE WITHOUT HIM
    
    attitude......     should he EVER MAKE CONTACT AGAIN!!!!
    
    
    Remember:  If you ever make the mistake of letting this 'W..P'
               back into your life - you will always have doubts over
               his honesty!!!!!
    
    
    Please let your fellow noters know if there is a happy ending
    
    You never know - the guy just might have a justifiable reason for
    his actions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!               

This guy sure sounds like trouble...  .0 sounded like a forgone conclusion, but
the rest of the replies made me wonder...

But, I guess that I'm just not as sure of myself that I know what's going on as
the rest of you folks...

RE: .0

You say that it's ok with you if he dates other people...

You say that you don't really even care if he *is* married...

You say that you just want to *know* what is going on, and where you stand.

I can understand you wanting to know where you stand.  And it kind of sounds
like he is telling that you are important to him...  What would bother me is
that he disappears occasionally...

What I want to know is what makes all you people think that he should have to
account for where he is every moment of his life?  Especially, "early in the
relationship", as -.2 puts it???

You don't trust him?  Well just maybe he doesn't trust *you* right now to tell
you what's going on.  That doesn't mean that he doesn't have any right to any
privacy.  Damned Busybodies!

RE: .0

Maybe you shouldn't hang on to this guy as your 'one & only' at this point;
maybe he's not ready for that.  Maybe that's the problem, and the solution is to
just enjoy the time you spend with him, and not make anything more out of it?

Maybe...

Jim.

    
    re: .0
    
    'Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.'
    
    I can't remember who wrote the above, but it's spot on. I can only
    surmise that the guy in .0 is heavily into deception and as such
    enjoys the buzz from (ab)using straight-up people by concocting 
    stories and lies with sex thrown in as an added extra.
    
    *If* he is like one of the above, you will never repeat never get
    the truth out of him. He does not respect you, he does not love
    you, he likes you because he can use you, like a computer, a 
    gadget or a credit card. You are no more than a convenience.
    
    If you're certain that he is dealing from the bottom of the deck,
    tell him you've met someone else and mention that you now realise
    his manhood is not up to scratch (or somesuch).
    
    FWIW, my female cousin went through an experience which is much
          worse than .0.
    
    Don H.
    

    I spent 9 years with someone a lot like that.  When we met he was using
    an assumed name to avoid being found and forced to pay child-support.
    Although he told me he didn't have any kids, and his ex-wife had died.
    He was an alcoholic and a compulsive liar, and basically abandoned 5
    children from 3 different women.  He would lie even about things that
    were too trivial to bother lying about.  Why?  Who knows?  He seemed
    pretty honest and responsible for the year he went to AA and quit
    drinking, so I'd say it was part of the sickness of alcoholism.
    
    Yet he was a very likeable fellow, easy to talk to.  It took 7 years
    for me to figure out he was an alcoholic.  He almost never drank
    anything other than beer, and *never* appeared to be drunk.  But
    during that year or so in AA he was a completely different man.
    
    Everyone else has already told you to get rid of the guy; I heartily
    agree.  Yes, these men have answers to all your questions.  They have
    such smooth answers that you doubt what you thought you saw yourself.  
    But then some day you find out that they were all lies.  And there
    doesn't even have to be a reason for them.  It's been interesting
    remembering this while responding to this note.  In the 17 years since
    then I've learned a lot about taking care of myself, become a little 
    less innocent and naive, learned to have a little patience, and learned
    to be a better judge of character.
    
    Good luck finding the strength to get rid of him.
    
    Paula                             
    
    

    I wish I had seen this note a month ago.  Yes, definately I would
    dump this scumbucket, but first I would have called his home and
    left a message with the woman stating that your doctor just contacted
    you saying that you had herpes simplex 12 and you suggest he get
    checked out by a doctor.  Give him something to worry about!!!