Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    It is difficult to have been hurt once, let alone a number of times,
    as you mentioned. When we've been hurt, it's natural to close up
    our feelings a little more each time. Since you've been friends
    with this man for awhile, maybe he does "L" you. However, if you're
    uncomfortable saying the word, don't.
    
    In your case, when you've gotten the wrong end of the stick a few
    times, you may be projecting how *this* man will hurt you instead
    of fully enjoying the times you share together. You may want to
    sit back and take the time to know each other better. Then, if the
    "L" word slips from your lips, it just may be the right time with
    the right person. It may be a natural thing to say at the time.
    
    I hope things work out well for you.
    
    					Susan

Some people love easily.  Nothing wrong with that.  There's nothing wrong
with taking your time either.

So take you time.  But don't be upset if he seems to be in a hurry.  Remember,
you've been there too.  You needn't let him rush you, but you needn't hold
it against him either. 

Jim.

    OH!  That's super!
    
    But ... having been there a few times, I would be careful.  I've
    heard "I love you" many times (and at different stages, as well)
    but actions speak much louder than words.
    
    Like you, I find it difficult to trust, after coming out of a
    devastating relationship, and it's hard for me.  You don't want
    to give yourself wholeheartedly to this relationship, only to find
    yourself to have been "just a passing phase" or something like that.
    In the beginning, most relationships are so passionate and everything
    seems so wonderful.  But once you get to know someone really well,
    all their idiosyncracies come into play and then you find out if
    it's truly love or is it just infatuation or lust?
    
    You should force yourself to stay on a friendship level until you
    can truly trust him and feel comfortable in the relationship.  By
    building your friendship, it will enhance the relationship and once
    you feel comfortable about expressing your true feelings, love will
    seem so much nicer!
    
    Good luck!
    
    Tammi
    
    
    

    I agree with the former responses as I've been in your position
    before.  My advice is to go with what makes you feel most comfortable.
    My fiance told me he loved me long before I could say it to him,
    but
    in time it came naturally and I meant what I said.
    
    Another point I would add is don't punish your current friend with
    your past baggage.  I would give him the benefit of the doubt until
    he proved otherwise.
    
    Infatuation usually lasts about 6 months.  It's important to see
    what remains when this phase moves onto the next level.
    
    Good luck!  Enjoy yourself and be happy!!
    
    Helaine

Um, have you asked what he means by "love"?  I've (sometimes too late) heard 
explanations ranging from "I'm fond of you and enjoy your company" [which 
would feel ok at this stage, right? :-)] to "I want to be with you forever" 
[which is what you're worried about?!]  And the first definition does not
necessarily imply (any possibility of) the second to some people....

Also, *tell him* WHY you're reluctant right now to tell him you "love" him back.
Explain what you mean by "love", perhaps including how you've been hurt before 
and therefore you are still cautious, especially so soon.  Be sure to add 
(assuming it's true!) that you do feel that you could love someone, that you 
like him a lot, and that you want to take the time to feel comfortable about 
your feelings for him.  

After all, if you can't [learn to] communicate honestly with one another, any 
potential relationship is likely to have problems later.  
		Helen

    Want to talk about fast????
    
    My hubby asked me to marry him after two weeks.  My answer "I guess
    so" (what else was I supposed to say ;-)!!! I said to myself we
    will take one day at a time and see what comes out of it. Well four
    years later we got married in October!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    very happy!
    
    Lynne

    
    	Someone has already said it is easy for some to love.
    	This can be so true depending on the people envolved.
    	I divorced about two years ago, after ten years of marriage.
    	I swore that I would never love or allow another to love me,
    	and I kept true to this for a long time. Then one Saturday night
    	when I had taken my children skating I saw a young lady that 
    	really caught me eye. I said hi but that was about it. I didn't
    	think much more until I saw her again about a month latter.
    	I asked her out for the next Saturday. We saw each other that
    	Saturday, the Next Monday, and the next Wensday, I told her on
    	Wensday that I was falling in love with her, she laughed. She was
    	still laughing on the Next Monday when I asked her to marry me,
    	she wasn't laughing quite so hard two weeks latter when she asked
    	if I was serious, and when she said yes. That was about two months
    	ago, and if neither of us get cold feet between now(Thursay) and 
    	next Monday, will be married. I guess the point is, be honest with
    	yourself, if it doesn't feel right don't say /do it. Time or past
    	expirences shouldn't be the major determining factor. In matters 
    	of such use both the heart and the head, they tend to help balance
    	out each other.
    
    	Wish you luck always, Dan

    Is then actually "okie" or "normal" for someone not to fall in love
    right away, in an exclusive relationship?  I mean, when I was kinda
    in the same boat (before I fell out in a great and resounding splash)
    my boyfriend was VERY affectionate, and said he loved me a lot (quanity
    and quality) but tho I was quite fond of him, I didn't know if what
    I felt was love, and I didn't want to say it if I didn't really
    feel it, and I didn't know when I would--so I thought something
    was wrong with ME.  In fact, this probably contributed to my calling
    it off--I was very concerned that I was uncomfortable saying "I
    love you" and more uncomfortable that I wasn't head over heels.
    Can this sort of thing happen over time?
    
    Now, back to to .0   All I can say is proceed with caution, till
    I guess you find what you finally wanna do.  
    
    kim

It takes time to reach a point where you can love someone honestly because it
takes time to get to know that someone.  You can love the illusion of someone
instantly because the illusion is a reflection of your wants and needs and *of
course* they are perfect for you. Getting to know them actually kill that
illusion of love.  Or, perhaps if you can love unconditionally, you needn't know
someone at all to love them because anything that they do is '''ok''' with you,
and you will be able to handle it.

Jim.

I just want to reinforce some sentiments that other people have stated
quite well.

Have confidence in *your* ability to judge the relationship.  Don't
assume that your friends or your new SO knows better than you what is
best for your relationship. Listen to what they have to say and be
open minded; but, don't let them make up your mind for you. Only you
know what makes you happy. A relationship should be a two way street.
You should *both* talk about things that affect your relationship and make
*mutual* decisions.

If you aren't ready to say the "L" word, don't. Don't feel like you
should say it because he said it. Only say it when you mean it. But,
you can be honest with him and tell him what you do feel about him.

If you are uncomfortable with the speed of the relationship, slow it
down and savor it. Make sure he knows how you feel about the pace of
things.  You can relax only if you want to relax - don't force
yourself to relax.

For some people, it is ok for a relationship to move quickly. I
believe it can happen with the right person if you both want it to
happen that fast. But, that doesn't mean it should happen fast. It
should only develop as fast as you are comfortable with.

If this is the right person for you, he should be willing to do what makes
you happy (slow down). Don't subjugate(sp?) your feelings to please him.

Control your own destiny - do what *you* want to do - whatever makes you happy
and you are comfortable with. Have fun - be happy - enjoy the relationship
as much as you want to. I wish you all the best and hope things work out.

Chuck

    I think that love at first sight and all that is well and good and
    makes a marvelous story.  But I don't much like fairy tales anymore.
    
    I don't know if trust has all that much to do with beginning
    relationships.  How do you know if they are someone you *want* to
    trust if you don't get to know them well, and slowly, and see them
    in lots of different ways/places/situations?  And if they prove
    to be the kind of person you *really* like, trusting them will just
    fall into place.  
    
    I think we sometimes feel -sex- and our brain translates -love- and we
    don't often know the difference at first.  
    
    Very few good things are lost when one takes one's time--with learning
    to be friends, or learning to fall in love. 
    
    The only thing I can
    think of that should 
    be tackled quickly is 
    a large ice cream cone
    on a hot day.  
    
    M
    
    

    	What would I do?

    	I would sit down and talk to him.  Tell him what I am feeling,
    where I am coming from, and ask him to do the same.  If he is really 
    genuine, he should respect your feelings.  It's never too early to 
    start good communication with someone.  And often, once things like 
    that are out in the open, I've found that situations can become so 
    much more comfortable and relaxed.  It sometimes still amazes me 
    what one good heart to heart talk can do!  

    	Chuck makes a good point about trusting your own ability to
    judge the relationship...and I'd add to judge the other person as
    well.  Friends may see one side of him, but listen to what *you*
    feel and think about him - obviously, you're closer to him than
    they are, since you're the one dating him.

    	Like the others have said, take your time, and do what's
    comfortable for you.

    	Good luck, enjoy, and I hope things work out the way you want 
    them to!!

    	Amy

Love is like coffee.

The 'instant' type is OK, but if you want a strong cuppa coffee, the
long-brewed kind tends to be better. 

-- Ron

It has taken me a long time to decide how to write this reply.

I have been in LOVE 4 times(I am not counting lust in earlier days :-})
twice it approached slowly and gradually, twice it was like a
brilliant flash of light, a feeling of euphoria and dizzyness.

Two ended very painfully, one of the quick ones(after 2 years) one of the
slow ones(after 5 years).
the third just died slowly over a long period of time, it was also one of the
ones that was a slow start.

They were all equally pleasant before the end, they were all different, but
intense in their own way, and it didn't matter how they started.

I think either type can happen to anyone and I don't believe it matters how
they started as much as how they are worked on. If both people work at it
it will work. when one or the other stops working at it it is over.

I'm afraid I have become cynical enough to say Love may not last forever
although I would hope to be proved wrong someday.

Amos

    
         I'd just like to update you, as its good news! Everything in
    the garden, so far, is *extremely* rosy - and I *mean* rosy!! I
    can't fault the man, I really can't. He's kind, sensitive, a good
    cook, does his own ironing, gentle, thoughtful, everything I could
    hope for...and he's been talking about marriage!! This, I feel,
    is a little hasty, although I'm thrilled he could even consider
    it so early...what did I do right?
    

    It's nice to hear that your happy, but after reading the base note I
    realized that it's been a month, just a month since you wrote that. I'm
    sure everything is "rosy" in this new relationship. 
    
    Just keep in mind that you barely know this person, really. If you
    believe otherwise after only a month, you'd be fooling yourself. But do
    enjoy the relationship, remembering that everything rosy is quite
    unrealistic in a long term relationship. Don't be caught trying to keep
    eveything as it is today. As you get to know each other normal conflict
    will arrise...
    
    Good luck, enjoy
    
    Gail

    re .0 "... What would *you* do?!!"
    
    
    
    Enjoy it.