Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I can't speak from experience, but if they hit it off and if it's
    what they both want, then all the power to them!  Who's to say it
    can't/won't work?
    
    Cherie
    

    What about the old saying "Sewing wild oates?" The guy I a dating
    (for lack of  better word) is 20. I am 24 he stills lives at home
    with very strict parents, I have been on my own for 7 years now.
    He is talking about a serious commitment...possibly marriage. I
    believe that he really does care and is in fact in love, but not
    convinced that he is ready for a permanant relationship. He hasnt
    "sewn his wild oates" so to speak. Is there anyone that has gotten
    married straight from there parents house and it has lasted? 

On the title topic, there is a book called "Loving a Younger Man/Older Woman"
which extols the benifits of such a relationship.  It's quite a good book...

RE: 20 vs. 24

I wouldn't marry him :-), without him trying living by himself, or living with
you.   But then that's from my standpoint of 29 years.  It may be different for
you at 24.  You may want to go through his 'learning experiences' with him; I'm
not sure at 29 that I would want to.

Jim. 

    The snag that has gotten in my way, several times in fact (I have
    had several long-term relationships with younger men), is the finances.
    
     It sounds pretty silly, but over the long term if you're working,
    and he's either a student, or is living at home because his job
    is not that lucrative, then there is a tendancy for you to pick
    up all the expenses of the things you do together.  In my case,
    it made me feel really put upon after a while, especially when he
    moved in and I couldn't believe how thankless he was for all the
    little things I did to help life flow smoothly (I was accustomed
    to the responsibility of paying bills, keeping track of household
    things, etc).  So not only was I not appreciated for the time I
    took to do this, but also he never even noticed all the money I
    was putting into the relationship.  And so when it started to unravel,
    I *really* felt that I had been taken for a ride.
    
    I don't mean to sound venomous about it, but I still feel pretty taken.
    I mean, the rest of the relationship was pretty amazingly great while
    it lasted, but that problem was one of the things that led to the
    break-up.  He's paying back some this summer.  He's 19, and I'm 24. 
    
    a word to the wise is sufficient...
    
    -Jody

    Jody,
    
    If he moved in directly from his parents house, it is not too hard
    to see where his lack of understanding comes from.  He _always_
    had somebody else to do those things _for_ him.  His parents did
    it for all of his life.  It was expected of them.  You were just
    the "new and improved version" with a few side benefits.  I think
    that is a classic example of an immature person.  No insult to him
    or her, just that the person has not grown up enough (in life
    experiences) to know what it is like to take full charge of his or
    her life.
    
    Marion   (who has been there!)

    re .3:
    
    Ahem. The difference between 20 and 24 is the same difference as
    between 40 and 50 (20% of one's life). An awful lot of living happens
    between 20 and 24. 
    
    	Jon

    
    
    Perhaps the kind of relationship you are asking about is what I
    am going into at this time. I am a 42 year old woman who is involved
    with a 29 year old man. 
    
    He is a warm and wonderful man, fun to be with. Not burdened with
    old garbage from past marriages, children, in-laws, etc. He is open,
    fun and totally unspoiled by life. We share common interests and
    he can keep up with me as well as I can keep up with him at what
    ever we do.
    
    The only negative I see to this relationship is my inability to
    ever give him a child, so that could be the only hinderance to a
    long term relationship I can see. 
    
    Other folks I know who have the same age difference with a mate
    tell me for them not having children was never a reason not to get
    married. These couples are happy, so I am giving it a chance.
    
    Its fun and I really feel good when I am with him. He tells me the
    same. So why not??
    
    Oh, bye the way, I am 12 1/2 years older than he and he is 12 1/2
    years older than my oldest son. (No I do NOT think of him as a son!)
    
        Carol

Carol, good luck and happiness to you.

I agree and have met acouple very nice and *fun* younger men. altho I am
not looking for marriage, I have had acouple wonderful relatioships.

Thanks for sharing that with us.

Carol, this Meredith agrees with that Meredith. 

GO FOR IT!

    Last year I dated for a period of time a woman of 37 and I was only
    27 at the time. The experience was one that taught me more about
    male/female relationships than my failed marriage and the 200 or
    so other women I have dated. I believe every male should date an
    older woman at least once and preferably one that is as open and 
    honest as the one i did. The only reason we are not together today
    was the 900 miles between us and that she knew that I wished children
    someday something she was incapible of doing. We stopped dating
    because she felt I should be with someone that could give me children,
    we are however still very close and good friends. 
    
    
    -j
    

    A few years ago I had a great relationship with a woman ten years
    older.
    
    We eventually broke up after about 1/2 year of dating because of 
    distance problems. 
    
    In the beginning she talked about the age difference, but after the 
    first date we realized that we had a genuine rapport, and it developed 
    into a terrific friendship and romance. 
    
    Age? Totally irrelevant in this case; if anything, the age difference
    _enhanced_ the special closeness we shared, while it lasted.
    
    I still call her once in a while; we're still good friends, and
    always have a lot to talk about when we call.
    
    
    Wes 
                                                

    
    I just got out of a relationship with a younger man (24 - 28) who
    was living at home and I don't think I will EVER find myself in
    that situation again.  He didn't know the meaning of a serious 
    relationship....  (although he said we had one)  I knew he wasn't
    mature enough for any kind of commitment, let alone marraige.  
    Living outside of your parents house tought me quite a bit about 
    responsibility, especially falling in a few holes along the way.
    
    BTW - age does not equal maturity.....  that comes with experience
    
    Katie
    

I think maturity is the main problem. The guy I am seeing has everything
    done for him, laundry, cooking, etc...Oh he says he could do it
    himself if he had to, but to me thats not the point. If you are
    brought up used to being taken care of that will just continue
    into your relationships with women. "You cant teach an old dog new
    tricks" I think for us we are on the extremes. If we were brought
    up the same, the difference in age might be transparent. I fended
    for myself most of my life, being brought up by one parent. He on
    the other hand has always had his mother and father there, mom at
    home and dad out working, the typical American family. That has
    and I'm afraid always will cause problems.......
    
     

    
    
    I believe that age will never hinder (if given sufficient time to
    work it out by both partners, externally or internally) any good
    relationship.   There is more to a relationship than age alone.
    
    I still believe in the saying .......
    
                  "Love conquers everything", or almost everything.
    
    
    

    Re: what's a real difference in age
    
    The absolute difference is more significant between younger people.
    My parents are ten years apart - married at 34 and 24.  The difference
    between 4 and 14 is enormous; the difference between 14 and 24 large;
    the difference between 24 and 34 noticeable.  Now, at 50 and 60,
    the difference is pretty negligent.
    
    Of course there's the old argument about age vs. maturity.  I
    definitely think you should live on your own first (okay, roommates
    are allowed) before you marry.  In general, I don't think anyone
    should get married until the mid-twenties.  By then, they've gone
    through most of the significant developmental events in their lives,
    like high school, college, first job, etc.  The focus has shifted
    away from learning to more of applying all that you've learned.

    
    re .15
    
    If he can do it all for himself... let him.. 
    I agree that "you can't teach the old dog new tricks ....  letting
    the old dog get away with it all the time"..   Not to be taken the
    wrong way (I'm hoping)..  I"m an example of that..   I have a mom
    that's been home all the time while Pop was out working..  they
    have always been there ... .and sometimes still are..    but haveing
    my own house says..  do my own finances, laundry, cooking, cleaning,
    shopping.. etc..   *besides* ...  fixing my cars, painting the house,
    mowing the lawn.. etc.   I can't say that I wouldn't like haveing
    a helping hand..  sure I would !  But that's no reason to group
    the children with 2 parents vs those with 1 parent...    if you
    were brought up the same.. the age difference might not be transparent
    ....  it might be a totally different situation from a totally 
    different light.
    
    

    Well, my SO is 14 months older than I, not younger, but when
    we started dating he still lived with his mother, whereas I
    had lived on my own, and had been married and divorced.
    I'm not sure I was any more mature than he, :), but I'd
    certainly had more "life experiences."  And there were
    occasional rough spots when we first moved in together,
    because he'd never cleaned house, cooked, budgeted, etc.  But
    we were pretty careful to outline beforehand what we expected
    of each other--who's putting how much in the joint account,
    who's fixing dinner when, who does which cleaning--and it
    worked out surprisingly well.

    If you're dating a younger man/older woman, have fun!  But if
    you're thinking about living with or marrying someone who's
    still living at home, think twice about whether it might be a
    good idea for them to live alone for a while first, unless
    you're willing to put up with the learning process.

    Don't mean to sound preachy...

    -- Linda

       
       
       	I've dated oldER women.. At much as 11 years older.. And to be
       VERY honest, they are GREAT!  They are friends and so much more..
       One of my best friends is an older woman. There's none of the
       bullshit and game playing.. Or at least, quite a bit less.. :-)
       The older women I dated taught me alot about myself and helped
       me grow up. For that, I'll ALWAYS thank them. The perspectives
       they gave me have helped me alot in deciding who and what I am.
       
       	It's not so much the difference between 20-24 as the experiences
       most people have between those ages that define how they will be
       and act for the rest of their lives. I know that at 20, I was a
       pretty different person than at 24. And now, at almost 27, I'm
       pretty settled in who and what I am.  My SO is 20 and in so many
       ways, she's more mature (due to life experiences) than someone else
       in her age group.  So, It's not the age difference, it's the
       maturity difference..
       
       						mike
       
       
       	Billy Joels "Only the good die young" is on the radio. I guess
       that says it all, huh? hehehehehehe :-)

    For the record, an older man (like 10 years older) and younger woman
    relationship has exactly the same problems as the older woman younger
    man relationship, except that people are conditioned to accept it.
    Even you, gentle readers, seem to find it unusual with the woman
    older, unusual enough to write and reply to the topic.  Let's talk
    about PEOPLE, shall we?  and "relationships where there's an age
    difference", not older woman relationships.
    
    Even the child problem can be found in older man relationships -
    the man may have raised children already, or he may be so set in
    the mode of freedom from children that he does not want to change
    it.  Or he may have health problems, and not desire to add children
    to the confusion.  It can be a topic of dispute in any relationship,
    especially as the woman heads into the jungle that's on the other
    side of the hill....
    
    --Louise

>    	Cruising the high schools finally paid off?

Nasty, Mike!  It's comments like those, that make topics like these, come up.

For 4 years, I dated a man 13 years older than myself.  He'd already been 
married; he had a child by another woman, for whom he had taken no 
responsibility other than making sure the hospital bills for her birth were 
paid.  And he had a lot of "garbage" leftover from the past; a lot of feelings 
that came from experiences he had; that he could not let go of, that eventually 
were responsible for ending our relationship.  He has not been in a 
relationship of that duration or intensity, since that time, and he is now 41.

I think it really does depend on the person involved, not the age of the person 
involved.

    i'm 47.  nearly always been *with* an "older" woman.  seems to me
    the issue here is not the ages, but the ability to make a "real"
    commitment.
    
    I think any kid fresh out of home is ill-prepared to do that.  I'd
    advise Jody to wait.  A long time.  Youthful hormones do not happiness
    make.
    
    tony

       RE: .23
       
       
>>    	Cruising the high schools finally paid off?
    
>>    -mike z
       
       
       
       	Hell no Mike, I gave that up a long time ago.. :-)  This time 
       I walked into the LKG library.. :-) :-)  
       
       							mike

    I've never been involved with a younger woman. Now admittedly, there
    were a number who were (and I guess still are) less than a year older
    than me, but not a single one younger. 
    
    I'll throw my voice in with the rest of the people who've said that
    it's not the age, but the living. On the other hand, you need to have
    had the time to have done the living. I did an awful lot of living
    between 20 and 24. When I was 23, everything just sort of clicked. That
    click lasted for about three years, and was a great time. 
    
    	Jon

    Older women are more mature, considerate, grateful and know what
    it means to make a relationship work.  When all is said and done
    give me a woman who has had the life experiences so she knows how
    to get the most life has to offer.                     

    Johnny Carson "older women don't tell, don't swell and are greatful
    as hell"

This is a good one.  If I spend time worring about the age differences
    between myself and partner.  I'm sure I would miss some good points
    he has to offer.  I don't believe age plays any part in a true mature
    relationship.  I can honestly say from experience.  I wouldn't trade
    my younger guy for any guy out there my age.  Understanding, passion,
    warmth and kindness gets me through everyday living.  By the way
    he came from living with his parents into my house with my two daughters.
    And I can't have anymore children.  They are all issue that have
    been talked about Together and put to bed to rest permanently. 
    We get along just fine.  Age no problem, what people think their
    problem.  What I do my problem