Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Want to go find a good cross to share?
    
    Seriously, though, I understand the feeling all too well.
    
    I have cried myself to sleep at times over the frustration and fury at
    the world's injustices and suffering and at my total inability to do
    even one thing to help. Not only can't I cure the problem, I can't
    even ease the pain.
    
    My daughter's best friend's father just died, the girl is miserable,
    she doesn't get along with her mother, and all I can do is tell her
    "I'm so sorry to hear about your father." 
    
    Another friend of hers, a sweet, kind, loving, generous, and gentle girl,
    slashed her wrists in the home ec department over the noon hour.
    Her custody arrangments have been changed for the fourth time in
    three years, and this time her mother succeeded in having the father
    she adores barred from visiting her. (She, the daughter, obviously.)
    And there's nothing I can do.
    
    I don't know what to do either. 
    
    --bonnie

    p.s. for your grandfather's illness, you might try Elisabeth
    Kubler-Ross's book about death -- I think the title is "On Death and
    Dying".  It's very good for both explaining how he feels and for
    dealing with the family's justifiable but often repressed anger.

    I get to this point too.  Total frustration - objectless rage at
    a SYSTEM or something else that is outside of my range.  What's
    helped is what my SO, Jim, has told me: Do what you can do.
    Very roughly paraphrased into what I tell myself, 
    
    	You do what you can do.  Noone can do more.  Most people do
    	less.  The hard part may be figuring out what you can do.
	It can't be what you wish you could do, or what you can do
    	with total ease and comfort, it has to be truely "what you
    	can do".  Then do your best to do it every day.
    
    What you can do may range through many levels of involvement:
    
    	- not making the problem worse.  This is really general. 
    	For me it's things like, when I'm frustrated about pollution
    	and environmental issues, knowing that I bring my aluminum
    	cans down to be recycled and that I don't throw trash on the
    	highway and do pick it up from my lawn and try to put the
    	least toxic stuff, usually organic, on my garden.  Regarding
    	the injustice issues, you CAN do your part to be just.  You
    	can't cure the problem for everyone, but you be an example.
    	Even if you don't think anyone's looking.
    
    	- offering emotional support.  This is what I do when I don't
    	have the resources to give more.  For example, my sister is
    	moving from Denver to DC.  I'd really like to have the time
    	and money etc to help her pack and move - she has 3 kids and
    	it's tough.  But I don't, so I call her as often as I can
    	afford to and let her talk out her frustrations.
    
    	- offering monetary support.  Example:  Giving to the humane
    	society since I don't have time to do volunteer work and simply
    	can't take in all the strays, though I'd like to.
    
    	- (other moderate actions fit in here somewhere)
    
    	- Go fight the battle.  Some battles you CAN fight.  Many
    	battles for justice start with one person.
    
    There's usually something you can do.  You may not be able to
    cure a problem, but you can put in your lick, somehow.
    
    --Louise <who's in an optimistic mood today!>

    
    Sometimes I think us computer programmers get into a mindset that
    the world should be just like our computers.  If I code all the right
    parameters right the system call it should do it's thing and return
    SS$_NORMAL in R0.
    
    We come to expect ourselves to have complete control over the machine
    and we get very frustrated with ourselves if we don't seem to have
    the same control over the world at large.
    
    						MJC O->

Even if you feel that you cannot do anything to solve a problem, you can always
not contribute to the problem, or at least not lend yourself to the system which
causes the problem.  And, one can alway help those who bear the brunt of the
problem, with a hug, or an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. It does not help the
problem, but it does help them.

I could not solve the problem of my marriage except by divorce, and I can't
solve the problem of the legal system set up around divorce, but I can help
those brutalized by it recover, and I can not cooperate with the system when I
believe it is wrong.

Jim. 

    What helps me (I've had this for years and don't remember the
    source) ...
    
    	I am only one, but I am one
    	I cannot do everything, but I can do something
    	And what I can do, I ought to do
    	And, by the grace of God, I will do it
    
    Gloria

    I am of the philosophy that we all have a unique reason for
    being here and as a result of this we impact everything and 
    everyone around us on a continual basis.  Although we may not be
    aware of our "real" (we have many functions: work, parenting, etc.)
    purpose for existence, it will become evident as or after our lives
    pass.  Continue to do the best you can to help others, to love and
    to contibute for although it seems that you are not able to solve
    the "big" problems, you are changing other's lives. 
    
    

    Don't we ALL share that feeling of frustration too often?!  I keep
    wishing for my magic wand to take away the hurt, but I haven't found
    it yet.
    
    When things like this happen to me;  and today they just did, I
    pray.  My dad called me this afternoon and told me that my mom is
    in the hospital as of yesterday, with an "unknown virus", and no
    one seems to know what's wrong, or what to do.  All I can really
    do is wait with my dad, and keep praying.
    
    The person who said to do what you can is right.  And that's all
    you can do!  You may think what you can do is a small thing;  to
    another person it could be the biggest thing in the world.  Remember
    this?
    
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference."
    
    Good luck, and remember that you aren't alone,
    
    Jane

    Fifteen or so years ago we decided that the only way to deal with
    the delema stated in .0 was to do the best we could with the things
    we could make a difference with, to listen to others even when we
    could not help, and (since we are Christians) to lift the rest up
    in prayer.
    
    Bonnie J

    
    I believe that in a situation that you cannot really change there
    is nothing you can do other than CARE ... and show that you care
    in any way that you can.
    
    People have done it for me and though it didn't change the situation
    it helped take away some of the pain and loneliness. I hope I've
    done it for others too. If nothing else, at least we're not alone.
                            
    Hang in there and don't give up.
    
    Steve
                                   

    I loved the book "Black Beauty" when I was a kid and read it at least 
    10 times.  I've always remembered a little poem that is included in
    the book (the part where Beauty is working as the cab horse Blackie,
    for and with the good cab-owner Jeremy Barker...)  The poem is:
    
    	        	"Do your best
    			and leave the rest,
    			'twill all come right
    			some day or night." 
                 
    I've felt the same way, too.  It's really frustrating when you think 
    you can't do enough or you can't "make things right".  My grandmother 
    recently died; she'd spent the last 15 years of her life living with 
    my mother and my (deranged) step-father.  I won't give any details, 
    but while my mother was, in her devotion to her mother, a saint, living 
    with my step-father would be pure hell on earth for me and I know I 
    couldn't have done it.  So, I always felt helpless about that situation 
    because I didn't have the means to support my grandmother myself.
    
    The only thing you _can_ do in any situation is your best.  What do 
    _you_ think is "the right thing to do"?  What would you like others to 
    do, or how would you like to be treated, if you found yourself in the 
    same unfortunate situation?  

    In my situation it meant making sure I kept in close and frequent touch 
    with my grandmother, either long distance (she was in Florida) or in 
    person and trying to always let her know that I loved her and thought 
    about her, and that she was special to me.  When I was with her, this 
    meant never making her feel badly about her limitations -- cheerfully 
    walking with her at her own snail's pace, and not being in a hurry to
    get wherever we were going or making her feel rushed.  In the later years, 
    I spent all of our time together just making physical contact -- sitting 
    and holding hands, or combing her hair and cleaning her nails, etc., 
    because she became senseless and couldn't "do" much.
    
    CQ     

    Prayer, it works!
    
    In times of difficulty, we are too well aware of our limitations.
    To Christians, prayer is a solution, not just escapism.
    I find solace in the fact that someone without limitations is
    looking after me, someone who can see beyond my immediate
    suffering, so I know that no matter what may befall me today,
    there is always the definite knowledge of a new and better
    tomorrow.
    
    <DANIEL>  

    .0 strikes a responsive chord in me. Right now I have a situation
    which, although it is different from yours, gives rise to the same
    feelings. In my case the other person is a younger brother, not
    a grandparent, and the problems are psychiatric, not medical. I
    don't want to talk about the specific situation here, just about
    the general conclusions I came to:
        
    1. The minimum you can and should do when a family member or loved
       is ill, is to show that you care.
    
    2. If #1 is all you are able to do, then the best thing is to
       recognize that and not try to do any more. In my brother's case
       I saw well-intentioned but un-comprehending relatives stepping
       in & giving stupid  advice, and I found myself wishing they
       would know when to shut up and leave, because they don't 
       know what they're talking about.
    
    3. Even if you are in a position to do more for the person,
       it's OK to decide not to. You have your own life to live.
       For example, if the other person is in the hospital, you can
       decide whether you want to visit every day, or once a week,
       or once a month, or whatever. And whatever you decide is
       your own decision, which you don't have to justify to the world.
    
    	    - Rich

    re: .3 

    > If I code all the right parameters right in the system call it
    > should do it's thing and return SS$_NORMAL in R0.

    Gee, I don't what system YOU'RE using; I never seem to have that
    much success using VMS.
    
    :-)
    
    Rich